watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
