Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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