my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
