The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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