Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
