Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize