Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
