Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
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When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
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He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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