those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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