If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
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Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
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Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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