Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
if only i could text you this smell
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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