I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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