I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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