I didn't shave. On purpose
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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