Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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