living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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