And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
