I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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