hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Randomize
