can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
