I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
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