Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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