If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize