I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
