I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
