i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
