Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Is Oprah even human
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
