You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
