EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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