Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
pray to the hookup gods
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
