Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
