Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize
