Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
