I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
