I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
