So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
