i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
