Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
