Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
