we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Drunk is a universal language darling
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