I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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