I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
