woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
