i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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