you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
