I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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