I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
