Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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