Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Randomize
