what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
