I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
