how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
