We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
