Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
