I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
