Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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