so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
