He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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