ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
