My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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