you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Bring me that man meat
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Randomize
