She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
