she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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